Making Love Last by Laura Taggart

Author:Laura Taggart
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Love and Marriage;REL012050;FAM000000;FAM030000
ISBN: 9781493407286
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2017-04-06T04:00:00+00:00

Listening attentively to your mate is a gift you give that reaps great rewards for both of you. It tells your spouse that they are important to you and that you value their thoughts and feelings. Listening is like the oil that keeps your car running smoothly. Without it, and the steady lubrication it provides, the engine will sputter and die.

Repair in Conflict

The ability to repair in the midst of a conflict is not easy but it is essential to keep both of your emotional systems calmed and available for understanding and resolution. Once an argument escalates, a husband’s blood pressure and heart rate will elevate more quickly and remain elevated longer than his wife’s. Men become emotionally flooded more easily than women and take longer to soothe internally.6

A wife’s criticism can send her husband into this flooded state. In response, he reacts with “fight or flight.” Husbands who are trying not to fight will often withdraw or stonewall to cope with their flooded state and avoid further escalation. Wives tend to interpret this withdrawal as avoidance or rejection and react with further criticism or negativity.

To stop this reactive cycle, both husband and wife can make efforts toward repairing the conversation. Gottman’s research revealed that men who enjoyed happy, stable marriages were taking the lead in de-escalating the negativity in conflicts. When their wives became angry, disappointed, or hurt, these husbands would not respond in kind. Instead, they would remain neutral for at least five seconds, which allowed their heart rate to drop so they could respond more positively. Wives who are aware of the impact of their criticism and negativity can learn to share their feelings and disappointments in a noncritical way using “I” statements.

Both partners can take initiative to repair an escalating argument. If you observe either you or your mate getting triggered, slow things down by suggesting a brief time-out, with a commitment to return to the discussion at a specified time. Studies show that it can take more than twenty minutes, particularly for men, to soothe physiologically after being activated, so this may be a good length for a time-out. A simple “I’m sorry” for a poorly chosen word or gesture can go a long way to keep the conversation on track. Restating your positive goal for the dialogue or asking for a “do over” can also serve as a restart button for the discussion.

If you find yourself slipping into a critical, contemptuous, or superior mindset, you are likely to use tactics that will hurt your relationship. Stop yourself, let your mate know you’ve noticed that one or more of your protectors has jumped in, and take a few moments to regroup. Often, you are not aware of your own parts kicking in, but if you notice your mate becoming defensive, that could be their reaction to the tactics of your protectors. Ask your mate what in your tone or words triggered their response. This will allow them to observe themselves and diffuse while allowing you to course-correct, which ultimately makes for a more productive conversation.

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